I was about to be a published author. With a change in status, I thought I might become exempt from making terrible decisions. Nope! Still human.
Losing the Man of My Dreams Living a constant nightmare,
only wide awake and alone,
I closed my eyes often, shutting them tight,
determined and waiting for something that “might”. Replaying him and me in my head now and then,
watching things wrong I spun right—
in horror I viewed them, again and again,
wishing so badly for a more decent end. But the end remained the same,
since my conscious did forget
about me as Venus, him on Mars—
the reason, surely, for our canceled stars.
I realized it all, though it all came too late;
in desperately trying
not to lose what was had,
I lost the very thing, then made it go bad.
***
You pat my head as I raise my brow,
nodding, yes, all will be all right.
“It’s me I hate for acting weak...”
and with that, the truth did finally leak.
***
First, there was violence against women in his past,
though he swore it only once;
no thief in the world could remove from you worry
that he’d hit me once, too, if ever in fury.
He had a wife and son, now was raising a daughter;
with that came some grief.
His needs weren’t met, he felt depleted,
so he found himself a mistress, and with his mistress, cheated.
I doubt he ever trusted much
since his women often strayed.
He admitted with suspicions high,
he’d proceed to stalk, and snoop and spy.
***
I know, I know, my dreams were mistaken.
With me this man had no business nor place.
It’s true he had issues and with them came fault,
but he still had my heart locked away in a vault.
Rest assured, though, I recovered—
with the key and with it pride.
Now I sleep more soundly every night
after learning how wrong for me was this same Mr. Right.
Mistakes happen whether you're three, thirteen, thirty-three, sixty-three, or ninety-three. However, if you beat yourself up over them too hard and too often, it may become more difficult to recover (especially at ninety-three, I imagine).
Stress is real. And it's bad for you. So, let some things slide. Relationships are difficult at any age. Even lasting ones. Especially loving ones.
People are tough!
To add to pre-existing human complexities, the dating scene is constantly evolving. You may find yourself humbled once you realize you're not immune to the euphemism, "Netflix and chilling", after attempting to watch a movie with a person having other activities in mind. (Note: An extra large bowl of popcorn acts as a nice barrier.)
It's okay to own some naiveté in your lifetime. Simply chalk up your previous lack of judgment to being pretty normal, and do better next time. (Your ninety-three year-old self will thank you!) However, if you find yourself on the brink of being dangerously naive, try reading a related book, seek out a helpful podcast, attend a workshop, join a support group or interest-based group (you can find tons on Meetup.com), or talk to a trusted family member or friend (or professional)!
Your condition is likely treatable while we all await a cure for our reluctant mishaps.
It was music at first sight for featured artist of the week, Kristina and Alexandre. As of September 2015 they have created six albums, ranging from a Requiem to instrumental music for yoga. They compose playful tunes for children and even mastermind romantic and existentialist themes for adults. All are born of deep friendship between the artists, a love of language (Latin, Lithuanian, French, English etc.), and close collaborations with friends who happen to be poets. Their original compositions have a distinctive musical personality, charming anyone who lends an ear. Take a deeper look at their discography or join them on Facebook.
The song, Corto Maltese, describes a complex sea captain-adventurer, the antihero—"a rogue with a heart of gold"—from the comic book series of the same name by Hugo Pratt. The refrain asks what love spell has trapped his heart and causes him to run ceaselessly to the edges of the earth in attempts to escape it.